Reflections
by Jasper's Second Choice
Summary: Not AU, but with some OC's and non-canon situations. Set after the series finale, Julian deals with previous heartbreaks as he contemplates his future with Ezri. Rated for a mild scene of drunkenness, nothing major.


Author's note: My first DS9 fic. Constructive criticism is always welcome and desired, but the emphasis here is on constructive. I own little to none of this-most characters (except Kerryana) belong to Paramount. I just play around with them.

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Julian put his book down on the table beside him and sighed. He could see concentration would not be with him tonight. He had that feeling again. That nagging feeling inside of him that he always developed around this time in a relationship-at least, the ones that made it this far, which admittedly was not many. The 'this is too perfect, something is wrong, I must get out' feeling. The same one which had caused him to lie to Ezri tonight, to tell her that he couldn't have dinner with her because he had research to do on some rare disease which affected some odd system of the Cardassian body.

He didn't like to acknowledge this side of himself. He loved women, desired to be kind, loving, and caring, and knew that they saw him that way. His bedside manner was no act, and his compassionate nature, devotion to ethics, and innate sense of fun shone through everything he did-particularly within his interactions with the opposite sex. And yet, this side of him was here. The side that doubted all, that quietly whispered to him, _"You are not meant to love. If you were meant to be happy, the loves of the past would not have been taken from you". _The side that had given him this self-defense mechanism, this flight impulse that always set in after a few months in a happy, perfectly functional relationship. It had begun at Starfleet Academy, when in his second year he met and fell quickly in love with Kerryana Edin, a Betazoid cadet studying stellar cartography. He lost her less than a year after their relationship began, when she was summoned back to Betazed by her mother for reasons she would not-no, could not, he still could not believe she'd have kept it from him if she had any other choice-explain to him. It was a long time after that before he'd truly given his heart to anyone. He'd had girlfriends, of course, girls he dated on and off a few times throughout his time at the academy and at Starfleet Medical school. He had honestly cared about them all, but he didn't allow himself to become as close to them as he had with Kerryana.

Then, he graduated and was stationed on Deep Space Nine.

At first, he saw her much as he had seen the other girls he'd dated. Beautiful, fun, and available. She was much like him, outgoing, flirtatious, and unafraid to speak her mind. When he began pursuing her, it was like a game. He would chase, she would run, and he knew she was enjoying it. Amidst the flirtatious chase, they became good friends. He remembered the day that he had realized something was different than it had been. She had challenged a visiting Klingon to a drinking game, the rules of which Julian hadn't been able to follow, but involved copious amounts of blood wine and swearing in Klingon. Unfortunately, though her heart was of a warrior, her digestive system could not compete with that of her opponent and she found herself feeling ill after a long, hard fought game.

"Julian….I'm not sure where my quarters are." She had said to him, looking up at him with her wide blue eyes.

"Come on, Jadzia. I'll show you," he'd said, sliding his arm under her armpit and up over her shoulder, supporting her as she stumbled. "Easy, there. Don't make me take you to the infirmary instead," he said with a smile. It wasn't a terribly long trip to her quarters, and after getting her inside, Julian helped her to her bed where she lay down and closed her eyes.

"That's better," she said with a sigh. "Julian?"

"Yes, Jadzia?"

"You're a good friend. Thank you for helping me," she said without opening her eyes. Only a moment later, her breathing grew deep and rhythmic. She'd fallen asleep.

"You're welcome," he'd whispered, and softly kissed her forehead before quietly slipping out of her quarters and returning to his own. He had sat on his bed and dropped his head into his hands with a sigh as he realized that the situation had spun out of his control. He had fallen hard for her, and there was nothing he could do about it. And clearly, she did not feel the same way.

In the years that followed that incident, he watched Jadzia as she met and dated other men. He, too, enjoyed the company of other women, but despite his burial of his feelings, he could never quite escape them. He continued to hold out hope that one day, those beautiful blue eyes of hers would open and she would finally come to see how much he cared about her. He kept his true feelings hidden, however, and continued to act as though she was nothing more to him than a close friend, a much loved and cherished one but no more than that.

_You are not meant to be loved. All those you love will be lost to you._

It was after Jadzia and Worf's marriage that the voice in the back of his head began to kick in. The side of him he hated, the side full of self-doubt.

_Don't even bother trying. It's not worth the pain. _

He tried to fight off the voice, to silence it-but in the end, it always won out. Seemingly functional relationships would end for ridiculous reasons. After a few dates with someone, he would become uncharacteristically distant and closed.

When the unspeakable happened, and Jadzia was killed by the possessed Dukat, Julian had had to fight to keep his sanity. While keeping a cool but reasonably and understandably mournful exterior, his heart broke in a way he'd never felt before. He had loved her with a depth that even he hadn't realized-perhaps, on a subconscious level, he had known but not allowed himself to become aware of it, to try and prevent this sort of pain. What did he know, he was no counselor. But it had seemed like a logical reason to him, with the limited psychological medicine training he'd acquired at Starfleet Medical.

All of this, his whole history, was what had led him to this moment. This moment which found him sitting on his bed, alone, with a girlfriend he was afraid to care too much about sitting at Quark's with Kira and some other friends.

_You're done, this is enough, get out now._

"No," he jumped as he said the word-he hadn't meant to speak aloud. And it was in that moment that he realized what had happened. He had done it again.

He had given his heart away, without realizing what he was doing.

He had let himself fall in love, completely and totally.

But suddenly, a new strength washed over him. A new confidence which silenced the negative voice in the back of his head. He tapped his comm badge.

"Bashir to Dax."

"Dax here."

"Ezri. I need to talk to you. When you have a moment, could you meet me at my quarters?"

"Sure, Julian. I'm on my way."

This time would be different.


End file.
